Roughly every 6-7 years I go through the same cycle, which goes something like the following: time stands still, I stop focusing on my daily routine and start really thinking about everything that has happened in the past 6-7 years. I have no idea why 6 years is the magic number, and usually there is some trigger involved. I see a person doing something or have something I want to do or have as well and start thinking my life over. The next days are spent in deep thought, asking questions like what that person’s life looks like, what drives their decisions, what potential that person has.
It inevitably leads back to myself with questions like “why doesn’t my life look like that?”, “what are my goals in life?”. The most important question I ask myself in the end is: “what have I been spending my life on in the past years?”. Then it grabs me, anxiety, the fear that I have wasted my life away and that I’m not where I want to be. Even though the 3rd such episode has just arrived, I’m still not sure if this anxiety is a good thing or not. I’ll have a few days or weeks where I barely eat and cannot focus. Even though these sound like bad things, it usually comes with a surge of motivation.
This motivation usually doesn’t last very long, I do several things to get my life back together like buying new clothes, trying new music, talking to people etc. After a few weeks of this phase I get highly demotivated because I’m putting in the effort but get nothing in return. The things I try just don’t make me feel any happier and the relationships I build aren’t very long lasting. Of course what follows is the depression and loneliness that sets in. Obviously what I’m doing now isn’t getting me where I want to be (I’m not even completely sure what that is yet) so why would I put in the effort? I look at other people’s lives and most of them have good lives, they’re happy with what they have and what life has to offer whether it be their social life or hobbies or work.
People say you don’t have to compare your own life to that of others and they say it rightfully so, but what you have seen in others people’s life you cannot unsee and the comparison happens automatically. I sometimes get the feeling the people who say this also have pretty great lives themselves or simply cannot the possibilities that life could give.
When I’m depressed I ask myself why I should even keep on living, all the things I have dreamt of having seem so out of reach. Both depression and loneliness start chipping away at my heart and it hurts so so so bad that the pain is (almost) physical. I wish I had a better social life, surrounded with a lot of friends to go on adventures with. Friends with which I can share new experiences with and who I really connect to. Most of all I want a person with whom I can share my entire life with and who loves me for it. I’m 27 and I feel like I’m just not meant to live life being single.
But I’m just not good enough for most people, too many heartbreaks made me wary and killed my self-esteem which wasn’t very high to begin with. They say it starts with loving yourself, but I just cannot grasp this statement. The ultimate emotion is love, which to me can only be given and received to other people. You can feel good about yourself when you accomplish something, but isn’t the ultimate goal to give and receive love to other people?
Each day I am waking up with anxiety, how will I spend the day? What should I do? This is extremely paralyzing and starts a vicious circle. Not doing anything leads to anxiety about not having done anything but doing something means I’ll question what I have done in the future. In the end it comes down to a simple question, the meaning of life.
I pondered long upon this question in the past, my only conclusion was that there is no point in living. Having known this for years, and the fact that I’m still here means there must be a reason for living. What this absolute reason is, I do not know and I have not a single person who can give me a sufficient answer.
I’m currently in the progress of figuring out what the meaning of life is and what to do next in my life. I will try to describe my journey here and share quotes I find and my thoughts about them.