It’s Exam Time

I haven’t written yet this new semester and with good reason. I still have a post which I was working on right before the end of the year but I’m not sure if I’m even gonna finish it.

This semester has been extremely busy and that’s part of the reason I haven’t been able to write. Because I’ve been busy I also haven’t done anything to write about except work for school which, believe me, isn’t very entertaining. So, I’ve been working my ass off the last semester and I’m not sure if it just feels like I’ve been working my ass off because I’m procrastinating or actually working.

It’s a certainty I had a lot to do compared to the year before where I thought this would’ve been the worst and the last year would be a lot more relaxed. I tried to come into the semester even more prepared than I tried the year before but to no avail. It was just too much and I’m afraid it’ll show in my results. I went through my exams often with only sleeping a few hours a day because I had to wake up in the morning to at least try to study. Then when I came home I had to jump straight back into studying because I had so few time before the next exam. I think I could’ve passed all my exams with the time given but that would require me to study every hour of the day and honestly, nobody does that really.

Aside from lack of time I really don’t really care that much about it any more and I really feel I should because this is still important. I’ve had a serious lack of motivation throughout the exams and the semester and I think that will play a big role in what I performed.

So here I am today waiting for my results which I will receive tomorrow. I’m not stressed out about it even though these were like the worst exams I’ve ever done going into some with little to no knowledge about the subject and hoping to get lucky with the questions. I’m only certain of a few that I’ll pass them, but most are still a big question mark with an edge towards fail.

I know I should write more about more interesting stuff but my thought are never coherent and there’s really not that much to talk about. It’s feels like it’s tradition to only just write when I have my exams and I’m a bit stressed out. Anyway, wish me luck even though it’s a bit too late for that now 😦

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Final Year

To start this post off I’d like to talk about how the results of my re-examinations were. I surprisingly passed the subject I was thinking I was going to fail but failed the subject I thought I might fail. Luckily for my that subject was part of a combination of two subjects so I still passed.

Just like all other years I will talk about my worries for the next year. And as it is the last year there are quite a few. Different from last year I still seem to be mostly in the same class. Some people got switched but I seem to have gotten pretty good confirmation that a lot of people from last year are still in it. I do not know about new people though. Another thing that’s probably good is that I already had most teachers in other subjects so there’s nothing really new there either.

As for the subjects I’m saddened that I have French on the first semester together with some shady subjects that might have something to do with communicating. I also don’t really know the teacher I have for French but from what I’ve heard she’s kind of hardass.

What worries me most is that it’s the final year and I’m probably going to have write and of course (sigh) present a thesis. I’m not sure if I specifically get a subject or if I have find a subject myself but I’m hoping it’s the first ’cause I seriously have no creativity or any idea on it. I’m actually just assuming I have to write a thesis because every one just talks about it but none of the teacher actually even said a word about it.

The second thing I will only try to briefly touch on because it will be for the second semester, is my intern ship. As with my first worry I hope I don’t have to find my own intern ship, I hope we just get placed somewhere preferably with some other people of my school.

As it is the last year it’s now too late to get out of it, like there’s really no possibility to bail out now. I just hope everything works out so I can get to work and live on my own and do (at least that’s what I think) whatever I want.

I’m going to end this post and I’ll try to talk about whatever comes up and it’ll be mostly worries 😦 😉

Re-examination Results

Since I haven’t written about my finals for my second year in college I shall do this together with talking about the results of my re-examinations which finished a week ago. My finals turned out to be not as bad however I did fail 2 exams, which gave me a total of 3 exams to redo over the vacation.

In a few hours I will get my results for those 3 exams and I’m a bit stressed because if I fail a subject it will mess up my schedule for next year where the second semester consists of an internship. I’ll try talking about next year in another post.

I think my re-examinations went surprisingly well apart from one which I think is going to be the trouble maker. I already know I passed the second one but my last re-exam could still go either way I think. My oral part of that exam was kind of stressful ’cause I forgot a lot of simple things and my explanations of what I thought would be the answer weren’t always crystal clear. Again if I fail that one it will mess up my schedule for next year since a subject depends on it. So I hope I don’t have to do a fourth year just to do that subject.

What worries me most though is that first subject because I had a good enough score to have it tolerated at the loss of some credit. I’m wondering if I could still do that if I get a worse score than I had before.

Anyway I will try to write about it when in one of my following posts stating all my worries for next year. I’m also sorry for not writing anything during my vacation but it’s simply because nothing happened. I’m thinking about keeping notes on idea’s I have for blog posts but I always tend to forget.

Very Long and Bad Semester

I haven’t written in a very very long time but here I am again and I feel like I need it more than ever. I’ll first go into the reason why I haven’t written yet, it’s quite simple, time. It was so bad this semester I literally felt a little depressed after seeing all the work still ahead.

I can’t fully blame it on all the work alone but it just overwhelmed me. When starting off the semester I really wanted to be prepared for it this time since last semester I kinda just went with it in a rush without properly preparing myself. Little did I know this semester would be sooo much worse. I probably could’ve written but still, I rather spend my free time on something less useful and more relaxing unless I really had something important to talk about.

I think I also have partially myself to blame. Mostly myself probably cause I have never felt so demotivated in my entire life. I think this is also the part of the reason why I’m did so bad. It doesn’t make sense that a lot of work makes you feel demotivated, when that’s exactly the time you need the motivation.

All the subjects I was worried about where there would be a lot of speaking in front of class were a bit of a problem, but paled in comparison to all the other work I had to do. I guess I just pulled myself through those, even if they were horrible. One of the subjects dealing with communication was supposed to only be for the first two years of college, but guess what, teachers decided to do this the third year as well now. Really looking forward to that *sarcastic undertone*.

When you have this much work you really get tunnel vision, the only thing that starts to matter is the work. Because of this you actually start to lose focus on other things that seem less important. A subject gets shoved back so much you don’t even know what they’re talking about any more and you really don’t care. A lot of work really creates a lot of noise in your head, all the things to remember and to still do. I’m certainly saying it’s not possible, a lot of people worked very hard this semester and I’m a bit jealous of those people. Working a lot is just not for me, my only real motivation is not to get hassled.

I’m actually writing ’cause I just got finished with my finals (actually a few days ago) and tomorrow I’m getting the results. As I said I didn’t feel motivated this semester and I feel like it’ll have a great impact on the results of these finals. I already know I got one subject which I failed horribly, the other one’s were at about the same level of answers. The only thing I can really say that these are the worst exams I have ever been through. My only real motivation when taking them was just to get through them, pass or no pass. Of course thinking of it now it has been a mistake, ’cause when you think that way a no-pass is easier to get. So I already know I got one, so I’m going to take a bold guess here and say worst case scenario is 4/7 failed.

I just don’t want it to be like a few years back when I last failed an entire year miserably. I believe this was a big factor in setting up my social anxiety. Which makes me wonder what my next trauma will be and what I will get from it this time. The most annoying thing when dealing with bad outcomes is to answer the question ‘why?’, whatever you say it’s always bad. You say you didn’t study enough, it’s your own fault and something that you do needs to be blamed (even though sometimes it’s irrelevant). You say it was very hard, you get blamed for not spending enough time on the matter and too much on something else. You say you don’t know and you get the same. I suppose it probably is your fault because you took the exam but there’s really more to it.

Tomorrow at one is the moment I die. If I’m very lucky the one insufficient result, but I’m seriously not hoping for it. A frikkin’ miracle needs to happen. Still, if you get to this section of the post, please wish me luck, it’s probably the only thing I got.

Putting Things In Perspective

It’s a weird feeling to start asking questions about things that you’ve done forever without even thinking about it. But it kinda feels like what I’m doing now. Try to question everything in my thought process, in my actions, and just generally at how things work. I can’t really give an example but it’s just this weird feeling, this “ah” feeling when I think about the possibilities.

Sometimes I find satisfaction in the smallest things, I’m happy for small things and I try to relativize some situations. I’m kind of trying to look at the things as if it’s not that important, as if whatever happens it if it works out or doesn’t, doesn’t really have much of an effect. That the decisions I make aren’t final and that they won’t define me for life.

The main thought that’s going through my mind is that I want to be in control of everything I do and everything happens. That I have the ability to change anything if I put my mind to it. If I at least believe that I can change what’s bothering me or what I like see happening. I want to feel like I’m in the drivers seat and not the subject of other people’s actions. In a way that would give me more responsibility which adds extra stress but I like to believe that if you’re positive and believe everything will be al right it will probably work out.

I just hope this new way of thinking doesn’t get my in trouble, I hope it opens new doors and that this period can be a positive and good one. Anyway, I hope to writing soon again.

A New Semester

I’m sorry for not writing when I got my results. Let’s say it wasn’t too bad but I did fail a few subjects, I think next semester (starting tomorrow) is going be one of the toughest though. I’ll have all of my subjects with presentations and all that un-social-anxiety-guy-stuff like talking and expressing myself, working in groups and what not. I hope this will be the last I see of that though, next year is just going to be French and I’m hoping I don’t have to present my last year project. I tried to prepare myself more for this semester, cleaning everything up from last semester (which was a total mess) and try to figure out a system to keep myself organized. I already feel I’m more prepared than last semester, now I just gotta try and keep up.

I heard some of my classmates are going (or at least try) to switch groups and I really hope it works out for them ’cause we were just with too many in one group last semester while other classes had like half of what we had. This would be great so there’s less pressure with all the presentations and stuff.

I realised something this week of vacation, and it’s kind of making me feel depressed. I feel like the more I think about getting my life together the less is being done and that it’s just getting worse, making a comeback more and more impossible. I’m just not sure what I want to do with my life right now and fear it’s already too late. I might go into more detail later next week.

Third Year Dip

I should actually call it a three out of six dip. It just means that it’s the third year (or third semester in this case) out of six and again I’m performing bad at school. I failed the third year in secondary and I hope it’s not the third semester in college as well. Seeing as I just finished my exams last Saturday I’m really not happy on the way they went.

I can say that this is the most time I have ever spend learning the material but I just feel like it was a) too much or b) I just learned the wrong things and have been putting too much time trying to know all the details. It’s not like I’m ever motivated for this things but I don’t think this was the problem. Worst case scenario is that I failed about 3 quarters of my exams which would be a disaster cause most of the subjects have a certain percentage of points that you take with for re-examination.

When I see most people who have performed bad it seems like it’s not such a big deal, it feels like their parents don’t really care, and they don’t really care. Of course I never ask what goes around closed doors but compared to me I feel like they got it easy. When I perform bad at school it’s the end of the world, all kinds of accusations are thrown in my face that have nothing to do with it and are always a bit embarrassing. When you failed an exam or some exams my parents always ask me the question why I failed them. This is an annoying question because well, whatever answer you give it wrong and the answer your parents will always give is to work harder and do less of the stuff they just accused you to do. What can you do to dodge this question? What can you even reply to this other then “okay, will do”?

I will get my results tomorrow morning and this time I can stay home and watch them online. I really don’t know if this is a good thing but I prefer to go to school and get them in person. It gives you time to think about what you’re gonna say to your parents instead of having to make it up on the spot when they’re breathing down your neck looking at the terrible thing I’ve created. It’s too instant, too impersonal.

What more can I say, wish me luck (even though there’s nothing I can do about it any more except pray) and I hope that at least it’s not gonna be as bad as I think it will be.