Sad New Year

Last New Year was stressful, but this one will be the saddest I’ve ever had. I have no-one to celebrate it with, absolutely no-one. A few years back I wrote how I had no plans for the evening and how alone I was back then. At the end it turned out well I suppose and went to celebrate it with friends I still had back then. Even though I was shaking my boots ’cause I still had pretty severe social anxiety back then; I was still surrounded by people.

These year changing events become more and more dramatic for me. Last year I got a pretty OK New Year beside the fact that I felt sick the entire evening. I feel sick every evening, how can I have an normal life where I go out at night and drink a few beers if I always, but always feel sick. There’s no magic trick to temporarily make me feel better except maybe to lie down, but I can’t lie down every hour or so for a couple of minutes. Try imagining it in a bar.

I must say I’m lucky that I’ve had some years where it wasn’t as severe as this, it’s becoming worse and worse every year. I’ve tried it everything to get rid of this nausea, from lying a couple of minutes before going off to trying to stop eating things for a couple of weeks. Nothing works. Going to see a doctor is the only remaining option, but try explaining that to my parents, if they can’t see you’re sick, you’re not sick. In fact the only thing that makes me vomit and thus sick in their eyes is to drink alcohol induced beverages. But when I were to say do that, I’ll avoid drinking more then one and avoid vomiting in every way I can. And they’ll just blame the booze for it, which is partly true.

However what you didn’t realize is what an important part of social life drinking has actually has become. People automatically expect you to drink, and if there’s a party: drink a lot. Certainly if you’ve done it before. You can’t just quit suddenly without any apparent reason, except that you feel sick. As a matter of fact: imagine going to a bar or party and not drinking, what’s the point of your friends inviting you there in the first place. While they’re loosening up a bit you’re the only guy sitting there with a coke totally sober. Have you ever been with a bunch of drunk guys and you’re the one sober? It’s not fun, you’re thinking about wtf they’re doing while they’re having a blast. You might think that I hang (or hung) out with a bunch of binge drinkers but it still doesn’t take away the fact that I’m saying this out of my own experience.

There’s about a thousand other possible methods you can think of but for each I can give you a counter-argument.

To wrap this up, I can’t say I’m completely alone. I’ll be celebrating New year with my mother and grandfather, so not entirely alone. It’s not like I’m saying those are no-one’s either, but isn’t it just a lot nicer to celebrate with people from your age instead of a bunch of married people? I’m hoping to get a phone call from someone by at least 9 in the evening (which is within 3 hours), calling to ask if I come and celebrate. It probably won’t work since the phone lines will be clogged by then.

I got no resolution this year, I even forgot if I had one last year or not. The only thing I can hope for is a miracle to get better socially and physically, ’cause I no longer make my own happiness. I wish everyone a Happy New Year and hope you’re in a better place then I am right now.

Lonely Saturday

Another boring Saturday evening with nothing to do. Or maybe I didn’t do anything all day, so no news of interest today (not that it is any different otherwise). Except that some pro-gamers are asses, but then I again I can’t blame the one who dissed me today and I can only tell him to cut his hair. Apart from that my Saturday’s have become quite boring, I used to do things but I just don’t feel like bothering ringing up some friends to ask what they were gonna do. Sad enough they don’t bother to ring me either, no-one does. My cellphone stays silent, the doorbell stays silent, MSN stays silent, offline or online doesn’t matter.

I always wondered how it came to be that way, I know I’ve never been the most talkative and social guy. Certainly not. I’ve always been a bit silent, but people seemed to like me for that. Once in a while I had my crazy times and they liked that to, but I got older and more and more I somehow got alienated. I know I look a little weird, and am a little bit weird sometimes in ways of acting and thinking, but I just want to be a part of something. People change to when they age and get more mature and I just don’t seem to fit in. I guess when you grow old you would rather be in the company of people who are really serious and talkative, obviously that seems not to be the case with me.

I just started to notice that a year ago, and after that it went downhill. I saw people didn’t talk to me like they used to, it’s like they had/have nothing to say any more to me. Of course when I started seeing it I reacted, but no avail. Now people see me as a dusty tool waiting in the shed to be re-used if necessary, which is sad, but even that you get used to. I do understand now that lonely people don’t cry, they only cry when they get lonely. They don’t cry, but they just know they’re fucked. You can’t see they’re sad, they just are. It’s not like they don’t care, ’cause they do. Only they’ve just let it slide, gave into it, and hope everything will magically be better one day.

So do I, even though it’ll be hard to get it back. I would believe that most people will say that I just need to go for it, and I understand that they say it in their position, but in mine it seriously isn’t that easy. How can you find some confidence when it has always been pushed down? That’s my question. I hope you understand my situation better.

Also, I put in a picture just to make it a little more alive 🙂 It’s something I re-made during vacation. I just felt like it and it was fun as long as it lasted. It’s actually not finished, I was to lazy to re-make some vehicles like the chopper. Maybe some other time 😉